i have lost my favorite pair of pants and i am paranoid

WHERE IS THAT PAIR OF PAINTS ? !!
I LOST IT ?
WHERE DID I PUT IT ?
I LEFT IT IN THE CAR ? AT STARBUCKS ? ON MY DESK AT WORK ? DID I ? COULD I ? COULD I HAVE POSSIBLY LEFT IT ACCIDENTLY AT THE LIBRARY ? WHERE IS IT ? ………….OHHHH MY GOD, I MUST HAVE LEFT IT AT THE GYM ? IT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT DAY WHERE AFTER I SHOWERED I PUT ON THE SAME EXERCISING PANTS AND LEFT MY JEANS IN THE LOCKER ROOM ?…………..WOULD IT STILL BE THERE , SOMEONE TOOK IT ? I MEAN IT’S SUPPOSE TO BE A HIGHLY PRICED GYM SO I DON’T THINK ANYONE THERE WOULD WANT A PAIR OF WORN JEANS…..

all week long or about 10 days, these thoughts kept going on over and over in my already bombarded head, it was just awful. Finally one day, I looked over to the KIPLING bag lying there, it’s been there all this time, with me, with my paranoia of loosing my favorite new pair of jeans. And for no other reason than curiosity of what might be in the bag, I unzipped the bag, and wallah, it’s there. My favorite pair of jeans, superb comfortable stretch cotton in the color of khaki and brown from the beautiful classy store BANANA REPUBLIC.

I WAS SO GLAD.
Well also felt how silly I was, thinking about the pair of jeans over and over again.

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Published in: on July 19, 2010 at 9:31 am  Leave a Comment  

new awareness

1o days ago when I had PMS, it was like HELL. I hated jenny my always talented but mostly frantic and nerve-racking boss and I wanted to smack her everyday I saw her. SERIOUSLY. I mean when you’re a boss you have to learn to be calm to be smooth to be COOL. And if you’re not, then … hey maybe you ought to be doing something else.
And I hated my life I was pitying myself for my almost 40 still single 3 month pregnant looking belly, fat thighs fat legs, my lack of energy to go to the gym , my lack of energy to be positive to make productive usage of my times. I even thought my life was pathetic : I am almost 40 I have no saving no husband no house to live and I only get paid 30k a year. I don’t really own any possession that is worthy of money, except my life experiences and my talent as a graphic designer. I am depended on my sister’s good well to keep me at her house. And sometimes I fear she wants me out and where would I go ? if I have to pay rent out of my merely 2K monthly salary plus all of my loans and expenses, I would be left with a few hundred to spend monthly and I would not be able to save anything or buy anything nice, I will probably be forced to buy everything at WALMART + KHOLS, where they have little above average products for low prices when it is on sale. And I would be forced to only get things when there is a big sale and I would have to watch for the sales all the time.

I know I know I am paranoid and housewives from all over the world do this all the time, they need to budget their household spending so they can feed their families and every penny they save they can spend it on themselves. I know this and I know especially JAPANESE WIVES are proud of themselves for being able to create new dishes out of leftovers and recycle pudding containers for sand castle budgets…….. I know cuz I watch a lot of JAP SOAPS. But I am single and just the thought that I have to live like that frightens me. I mean I get it and I think I will be able to take it, if I have some sort of plan and I am saving something for that plan, that awesome plan like taking a trip abroad or using the money for a down payment of a car or a house , something valuable. But the thought of saving nothing and living on pennies scares me.

So anyhow the PMS days was definitely HELL.

Then when my flow came, I finally was calm and I realized I was so lucky to have this job, and I am single and I am fortunate enough to stay with my sister for free and she is just such a darling and so is her husband they are both nice folks. Sure they can be a little over bearing at times but that’s just their style to show that they care about you. And about my job, I am so lucky to have a design job that is only 15 miles away from where I reside and I am learning so much at work, sure at times I feel I am being taken advantage of they gave me so much work and so little pay. But hey I am learning a lot and that is important. And I am so lucky have pleasant and smart co-workers. Everyone is nice and I just enjoy their company so much.
And i am just glad to be alive.
……….
So my new awareness is that PMS is HELL and I should learn to just dismiss any negativity I feel because it’s just PMS talking and feeling, it’s not me.
And after PMS I am all fine and sunny again.

Published in: on July 19, 2010 at 9:29 am  Leave a Comment  

privacy paranoia

these two days i felt extremely paranoid about my privacy as a new web expressive person. because usually when i have an urge to write, to express my feelings,sometimes it is fun stuff or self realizations, and unfortunately sometimes it is pms venting and you know that might be hurtful to some. honestly …… it depends on your mood, right ? when you’re in a good mood, a strong sold mood, whatever you see, you will not be affected. but if you’re in a weak unstable mood, you are easily affected by other’s behaviors and you might interpretate wrongly. honestly i think i am just paranoid.

10 days ago, when i started this blog it was only for good intentions. because i have a friend who is kinda ….. computer dinosaur and i mean she is not good with new technology and she complained to me that she felt a little bothered that she needs to sign up a new email account in order to read my blog. so i thought hey i sent out …. i think about 100 invitations and hardly ever is there a comment. people usually just read and they might not have the time or are in the mood to respond a comment. but she did she told me in person. so maybe she really wants to read my blog to know about my life and i should make a new blog so it can be easily access to her. ……… i had no idea that 10 days later i wold have this paranoia.

i mean i think there are a lot of mean-spirited people. and i am not one of them. i think of myself as quite lovely. it’s just sometimes ….. due to pms, my antenna to receive information from outside is short circuited or blocked, so my interpretation of the world around me is kinda twisted. i know i know, i am aware of this. and writing helps to calm myself down. and i happen to think some of these writings are quite fun to read and i like to share. i suppose this platform also provides a place for my writing to slowly mature……… honestly i just didn’t want to go to work one day and face my co-workers and they all hate me or they want o slap me or something of this sort.

today i asked a colleague how does her friends keep privacy if they have facebook and blogs ? she was very nice in taking time to answer my questions. ( honestly maybe she wanted a break from her work la i think ! ) —- she said ” i understand your paranoia. but you know, honestly what are the odds that one blog will ….. be so popular that everyone wants to read it and that if i wasn’t invited to read, i would walk to another computer station just so i can read it ? ” .………… and it dawned on me, i am hilarious, and i am ridiculous. who has so much time and who will be out to get you ? ….. that answer i suppose one never knows. some people do have the luxury to have a lot of time on their hands, and what’s that saying —- better late than never ? or i think always watch your back is the winner here. so anyhow after consulting with 2 friends, i decided and did get rid of my facebook account and also made a bunch of new email accounts. ( if i was in my hometown where i can easily have access to a dozen friends, believe me i would have consulted more lovely folks and gotten more answers. but hey i am grateful ! you know who you are ! )

at this moment, i, still ridiculously hilarious but feeling a little more protected in this new age of fast technology + zero privacy .

Published in: on March 10, 2010 at 4:44 am  Leave a Comment